Your mother is your first friend. She’s the one who rocked you as a baby. This article is about the loss of a mother. Nothing can prepare you for what it’s like to lose your mother. I’ve had many people throughout the years who have lost their mothers. I felt sad for them and offered words of comfort. I had absolutely no idea though how painful it is to no longer have your mother with you.
No matter what I write in this article if you haven’t lost your mother (May God bless all mothers with long life!). You won’t fully understand the depths of grief one goes through. The pain is crippling, and it hits you at random moments. One minute you might be fine, and the next minute you are curled up in your bedroom in inconceivable pain.
If you have lost your mother, then you’re probably sitting there nodding your head in agreement!
My mother passed away on 17 June 2014. She had suffered from seasonal fever prior to her death. Her death with only fever was unendurable for everyone. I was at Lahore almost 250km far from home on her death day. And almost one week prior to her death we were met. And one day before her death we had cellular communication.
The day when she died, I was attending a lecture, my phone was in vibration mode. A girl sitting beside me told me that your phone is vibrating. I said its okay I’ll see after the lecture. But the phone was continuously in vibration. I went outside the lecture hall and picked up the call it was my sister, she talked to me as usual what’s up? Have you done your breakfast? etc. I told her it’s my lecture time, I’m busy I’ll call you later. One thing to mention as she was married, I thought she’s calling from her home. But that time she was at mother’s place. She said listen! Actually, she had no words how she talk to me about my mother. Remembered that, it was Tuesday and on coming Monday there was my final exam. She said can you come back home today? I said are you okay? I’m preparing for my exams. I’ll back after my exams. Bye, and I end the call.
As I entered the lecture hall, my phone vibrates again… And she said listen, Ami is coming to Lahore for the medical checkup as she had the fever so when you’ll be free? I said as they’ll reach I’ll be free. I’ll contact them after the lecture. I was doing all this non-seriously because that time nothing was serious for me, but my sister was thoughtful. Because that time my mother was suffering from 104 temperature, and doctors referred her to Lahore. I was unaware of all this. There was nothing bad in my mind. After 10 minutes I realized that something is going to be wrong with me. I started the calling at my home, each contact number was not responding. I tried a lot but I was helpless and started crying why all contacts are OFF? Briefly… (And then she died on way to Lahore)! And regrettably, I reached near to her deathbed 3-5 minutes before she buried.
I’m writing about my experience. Your experience might be completely different, but I’ll bet most of you can find some similarities between my experience and yours.
The first few days after your mother dies are going to feel like a blur. You will function only in that you will contact relatives, console family members, and go forward taking care of necessary tasks. Numbness is the perfect word for this time. After few days, it’s time for life to go back to normal, right? Wrong! Life will never be normal again. It will be different, but it will never be as it was. How could it be?
For the first few weeks, your relatives and friends will be wonderful. They’ll offer you lots of smiles and hugs. They’ll offer to take you to dinner and they’ll listen as you talk about how bad the pain is. You’ll hear a lot of “I’m here for you”, and “If there’s anything I can do” comments during this time.
After a couple of months, it will seem like people has forgotten that you lost this important part of your life. They’ll stop asking how you are, and they might even look worried when you want to talk about your mother. You see, people who haven’t gone through this pain think there’s a period of grieving and that’s it. After a certain time, you should be ready to move on with your life and “get over it.” But you will never get over it. The pain will lessen, and the moments of intense grief will be farther apart, but how can you ever get over losing your mother?
Well-intentioned people will try to speed up the grieving process for you. They’ll try to keep you busy, and some of them won’t mention your mother’s name for fear of hurting you. But you must allow yourself to grieve. If you try to stay busy and put it out of your mind, it will catch up to you.
After mother died, I tried to push away the grief. Anytime I felt like falling apart, I would take deep breaths and get busy with something else. This worked for a little while, but not for long. The pain was not going away, and I needed to feel it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there’s no set time limit on the process.
The old saying “Time heals all wounds” is not entirely accurate, but not entirely inaccurate either.
I don’t know if the wound of losing a mother is ever healed. The pain does get more bearable over time. But how long it should take? No one can say. I spent months remembering my mother as how perfect human being she was. She was a wonderful person, but let’s face it, she’s was a human, death is inevitable. Remembering the bad times isn’t always easy. But there’s nothing you can do about it now. You can’t push it away because like the grief, it will find you. My mother knew I loved her dearly, and I knew the same about her.
It’s now been three years and a half since my mother’s passed away. We siblings miss her dearly. We laugh and smile as something mother used to say when we were the child. At some point after your mother’s death, you will find reasons to smile again. I think this is one of the greatest things we can do to honor our mothers and the love we have for them.
Find joy again. Laugh heartily. Love deeply. Live like your mother would want you to.
On those days when you just miss your mother, don’t fight it. Allow yourself to miss her. As said, “Mothers deserve to be remembered”!
“God has my mother in his keeping, and I have my mother in my heart”!